I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize