Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
