Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
