I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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