so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
