Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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