nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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