I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
