Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
