I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
