I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
