Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
