alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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