Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
