Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
