I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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