She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
