So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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