from now on my penis is your penis
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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