He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
