I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize