glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
