My first STD was from a foam party
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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