She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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