Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
