some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
