I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
