bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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