Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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