we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
