i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
