They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
