Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Oh god it's open bar.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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