mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
