Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
