I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
