I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
