I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Two words: blizzard sex
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
