no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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