i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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