I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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