What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
