Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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