well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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