There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
