I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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