Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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