Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
