I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
