This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
