just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Mom said you looked used
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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