I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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