Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
porn star boner night. come get it.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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