I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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