omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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