I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
