I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize