I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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