He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
