My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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