Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
