We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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