I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize