party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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