My liver just broke up with me...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
