If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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