It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
