I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
